Sunday, July 1, 2007

Forward this, FUCKING RETARD!!

Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.
- Joe Bob Briggs


The following is a forward I got in my e-mail recently. I hate forwards. This is why. I hate forwards as much as I hate spam and chain letters. I don’t want to fall in love and I don’t care if I never meet “the girl of my dreams”. So save your breath and STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. Anyway, enjoy the forward. And if you want to keep away from the rant stop at “it’s in flames!!!” Some people learnt to stop sending me forwards after I sent them pretty strongly worded replies as to how fucking retarded they are. It is bad enough I have to deal with hundreds of spam emails from corporations trying to shove their penis enhancement exercise programs and drugs in my face. To add to that “well intentioned” spam and I have a 50 mail inbox everyday, without fail, with nothing worth reading. Even the important mails slip right through.

1. at the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/ friends....

Stupid
Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don’t you know that I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:
Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people asks...

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer: No, he’s a miserable wife-beating, insensitive man...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question: Sorry. Were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it won’t. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!



Rant time now. The person that sent this mail obviously has an infantile sense of humor. I am sure he lets out a girlish giggle every single time he hears “pee pee” just like the kid in Look Who’s Talking.

First of all, learn the fucking dynamics of speech. We as humans are capable of pretty complex speech. It isn’t necessary we say what we mean. We often encode what we intend on saying in phrases that have become commonplace. So next time your movie going buddy asks you what you are doing at the theater, do the polite thing. Answer him to the best your 4 year old brain can. And just because you are at the movie theater doesn’t fucking mean you are watching a fucking movie. Just like it doesn’t mean you are undergoing an operation if you are at the fucking hospital.


2. If you are the kind that can’t graciously accept a fucking apology for an accident, unintentional I guess, then I guarantee you, I will be the one stepping on your foot again if you ever say it to my face. Else you are just another guy with no fucking balls.

3. No, I would rather it would have been you. I shudder at the thought of little ones with your fucking DNA running about this planet, or for that matter any other.

4. Einstein, grow the fuck up. People have the right to order the best dish their money can buy. So pardon me if I want to know whether their Paneer Butter fucking masala is good enough for MY MONEY.

5. I normally assume this is an expression of surprise at the amount of time it has been since they have seen you. But in your case, it probably was a genuine sense of wonder. Everyone thought that with your level of intellect you would have electrocuted yourself well before puberty or driven of a cliff on your bicycle. We are all very surprised (some losing their faith in god, the rest in the theory of evolution) that you are still alive and apparently well.

6. Doesn’t hurt to scare the living shit out of the imbecile, does it? And you will be surprised how many people get married into what they know will be abusive relationships. So keep your stupid fucking thoughts in your head.

7. Not everyone is asleep as early as you fucking baby. Yes, baby needs his beauty sleep and mommy makes sure he is tucked in at 9 o’clock. But some of us dare to live a little.

8. Have you considered that the two people are meeting after a long time? Something could look different without you knowing what it is. It’s a guessing game. Arggghhhh

9. I challenge you to say that to your dentists face. I would love to see you bleed, ideally to death. Somehow you seem to have no value for the humanity your dentist is showing you by caring for your fucking well being.

10. Say that to the hot chick, will you? I guess not. Mr. Big will be the first to put out his cigarette I bet. Hypo-fucking-crite.



8 comments:

bhavna said...

hmmm..i almost agree to all the points here except the first one..what else could u be doin at a movie theater rather than watchin a movie...??yeah maybe one should ask if you're with friends or alone...which i generally do :P

bhavna said...

n yeah when i ask a guy "so u smoke?" when i see a cigarette in his mouth means iam surprised he does n i din't expect him to do that...not that i can see hez smoking and still expect that maybe someone else has put it in his mouth...

daydreamingoracle said...

ha ha junk mail irritates u huh? i`ll fwd u sum shitty fwds instead of jus plain deleting em.... :P

bhavna said...

people love u so much :P

The Depressed Doormat said...

Well I guess the movie theater depends on whether its a multiplex with a mall and shit! I don't know many surviving stand alone theaters.

And junk mail irritates me like crazy... the thing is, when it is done deliberately, it amuses me rather than irritates me. And I have ways to take care of it as well ;)

@Bhavna: I know... everyone loves me :P except the one I love :(

bhavna said...

well if its a multiplex and the person is seen moving around in the mall then am sure no one would ask if he or she is there to watch a movie for sure cuz most of the people here dont come to watch movies by spendin money but to loiter around!! :P
and dont u worry dear depressed doormat the one u love will very soon be joining the "we love A" gang :P

Simply Luna-tik ! said...

ha ha ha...very amusing...forwarded mails and sms's are the same....especially the chains and the philosophically retards...

and hey not everyone who goes to a movie theatre watches a movie..asked the daddy who takes his children for a kids flick..a husband with his wife and meee....I sometimes, when am tired go for a movie to get some good sleep...a movie theatre is a good place to go alone and not feel lonely and have a good time with yourself... :p

remember only sometimes..!!!

Jean said...

I liked that forward! Thought it was damn funny! And hey, was I the one who sent it to you? :|

Such Angst, KB! Such Angst! :P