I realized something today. There is never a pencil around when you need one, or a pen! For that matter, there is never anything sharp around when you want it.
Have you ever been forced to be within a closed room (or public transport) with a bunch of WHITE, early teen, high school, Legally Blonde wannabes? Let me tell you, it is "like" worse than getting hit by a bus… and living through it. It is worse than having your head shoved into your butt, worse than getting your head shaved… with a pair of tweezers. It is worse than pulling out your finger nails straight out. It is worse than having a raving, religious lunatic preach about god and the bible, about good and evil, about vice and virtue, about damnation and salvation. Wait, that last one isn’t true. I would know. And there you have it, another moment I wished I had a pencil.
Television for a few years now (perhaps even a decade) has shown us why it has earned the name, Idiot Box. It probably has something to do with the fact that it makes idiots out of us. So well is this fact documented that a movie Idiocracy was made to predict our future, as witty satire. But it did achieve another feat, aside from the one already mentioned. It proved how much they can dumb down television (which includes movies for me) for mass consumption, if there ever was a doubt with Spartans, the Scary Movie series, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie…
But then television loves to prove to us how fucked up our society really is, be it a “wardrobe malfunction” (read nipple slip) at the super bowl, or a “celebrity malfunction”. I am sure I could spend another 15 minutes and find a few more, but this isn’t the point of today’s post.
This post is dedicated to the cinematic abyss that is Indian television. And no, I won’t be taking potshots at our “saas-bahu”1 soap operas, even though I am tempted. It would be far too easy. I will however let the funniest words ever to be uttered on television speak for itself.
Talking about this incident, a friend commented, "Indian television was just lame before this incident, now it is American".
I won’t ruin the fun for those of you that haven’t already seen or heard of this abomination and will let you watch the video and make up your own mind. I don’t think a rational human being will need much prodding. All I want to know is what able minded individual thinks the guy deserves it? And to those that have to ask what I think, I say, he didn’t hit her hard enough.
With the end of the Beijing Olympics (yes I know it ended some time back), there are those that are reveling in the pseudo-national pride that comes with your nation performing, however lack luster, at the big event; ecstatic at our performances in shooting, wrestling and boxing, Indian sports fans and the above mentioned pseudo-patriots are going crazy with accolades. At the other end of the spectrum there are the critics that either can’t/won’t take anything positive from it or are just inclined to finding the cloud that carries the silver lining.
The medal trio is enjoying the adulation being poured in on them, while the other athletes either disappear into obscurity or get back to training for the next event of their season. But that sounds just like the India I left two years back, where effort goes unnoticed, hard work and dedication sidelined by the Indian publics need for instant gratification.
But let us leave them for the moment and concentrate on our critics. Just 3 medals from a billion strong? Or how about the fact that countries the size of Estonia, or ones with political strife like Zimbabwe manage to win more medals than us?
But these comparisons are simplistic. Canada, the second largest country finished just 19th, and Indonesia, with the 4th largest population did worse than the aforementioned politically handicapped nation. This just goes to prove, your size, population or wealth has no bearing on how well you will do at the Olympics or any large sporting event for that matter.
"This is a matter of national shame, an aspect that the Indian Govt. needs to look at closely." Source: http://www.iwebie.com/indias-2008-beijing-olympics-dreams
This sentiment is highly reflective of Indian behavior, our need to shirk off responsibility and redirect blame. It isn’t the government that is to blame. It is the Indian public. A nation, taking a crap on Rathore, without even knowing what the reason for his poor performance might have been. And even if there is no reason, I believe our medal winners (and prospects) deserve a little more respect than they are currently being shown But what irks me more than everything else Indians do is the fact that some of these critics aren’t too appreciative of the fact that our medal winners are getting the attention that they are currently receiving.
Well, it is alright when those douche bags get coke and Pepsi deals, isn’t it? I find nothing wrong with the Indian sportsmen and women cashing in on their newfound and (possibly) short lived fame due to their “so-called” Olympic triumphs. After all we are a fickle nation with no regard for our sports heroes. Maybe you will remember some of our athletes that had to sell their medals1 from other events in order to survive. Or maybe you do not. But that is our nature. And it is this nature that has dawned on these three men and they deserve to make the best of what they have now. May they never have to worry about selling their hard earned medals.
But all this begs the question, who is to blame; when our system rewards performances after results and provides no impetus (different from incentives) for our athletes (cricketers aren't athletes in my opinion). I don’t have the answer, and I don’t think Indians really care either. The question will be put on the back burner until a few months before the 2012 Olympics.
But all this doesn’t hold a candle to the final and most absurd accusation, one that pisses me off so much that I believe that anyone that dare make such an accusation deserves castration; and that is for the lack of time to construct an appropriate torture that matches the blasphemy. It is said that the reason we had so many ‘flakers’ these Olympics was due to the fact that they lack passion. To those cricket loving douche bags that know not true passion when they see it, I hope you rot in the world’s dirtiest cesspool
I don’t see how they can levy this accusation, with reasonable seriousness, when our sportsmen who toil in their respective sports even though the chances of any glory are minimal, even if they do bring in the results (Karnam Malleswari won a few lakhs for her bronze and some Arjuna Award or some titular facade). Most of them toil in their sports into obscurity. Few have heard of the gallant sportsmen who fight so that we may one day have an Abhinav Bindra or an Akhil Kumar.
India doesn’t deserve the medals these young men and women bring in. And while I will be hurt if we continue to perform as we have in the past, I believe the Indian nation deserves nothing more.
Apparently there aren’t any BSP supporters who can code. No, they can’t hire our wonderful IT professionals and programmers to build themselves a functioning website. Wait a minute, dalits can’t read, can they? That must be it; they are so impoverished and illiterate that a website would serve no purpose!
The Dark Knight certainly picked up from where Batman Begins left off. The effort to make Batman more realistic, more plausible somehow seems to enhance the superhero genre, rather than take from it. Of course, some of it needs to be a little unrealistic; a stretch of the imagination, to remind the movie-goer that it is a comic book movie. I can accept blades coming out of wafer thin body armor, or a completely intact Batpod (I guess Bruce Wayne bought over Apple) from an absolute wreck of a Batmobile. But where the buck stops is when it violates basic physics and common sense.
Let’s talk about the Wayne High Definition Sonar Imaging systems. A typical HD Sonar image can generate about 10Mbits of data per second. Let us assume the technology does not improve (else bandwidth requirements would certainly go up!) and a compression factor of 10. What we are expected to swallow, is that your phone will be transferring over a 100KB of data per second to the Wayne manor and NO ONE notices! People browsing the stock tickers on yourstock.com don’t notice dip in speeds, and more unbelievable, the telecom companies don’t notice this large scale data transfer! I mean millions of their subscribers sending information to the same location, all at pretty noticeable speeds. Oh, and don't even get me started on how they manage to get sonar devices on phones all over the city on such short notice!
But the sci-fi mumbo jumbo is exactly what makes Batman attractive, isn’t it? Who would want to watch the Batman if it wasn’t for these unrealistic inventions, the skyhook and all the weird shit that comes out of the bat armor, or the bat mobile. Perhaps that is true, but then why not have the infinite grappling hooks that the comic books had and the tiny gizmos hidden inside batman’s utility belt?
But where things get truly bizarre, is when they begin violating the laws of physics. No matter how much I suspend logic and common sense, I can’t seem to accept how easy it is to flip on its back an eighty ton 16 wheeler. An eighty ton truck, traveling at about 60mph and stopping in what seemed like about 2 seconds would rip three street lamps, with four 1-inch bolts each right off, no effort. And that is just a conservative estimate. Even if you assumed the lamps were somehow strong enough to withstand that force, you get to the rope that the batman uses. Even if I assume Kevlar-like strength, the force generated even by a forty ton truck would be enough to snap the rope!
Lets get to the final bit. Assuming the rope was as strong as the movie suggested, there is no way the truck could flip over! The worst that could happen is that the truck would get into a slide before finally rolling over! But it is undeniable, the cinematics that a flipping 16 wheeler can achieve, are no where comparable to it rolling about (note: sarcasm).
The illogical stunts aside, the movie has won so many accolades. Rotten Tomatoes have given it a 96% approval, and IMDb users have quickly made it the greatest movie ever made. I’ve tried thinking why that might be. Sure Heath Ledger was quite good as the Joker, making him seem like quite the psycho that he truly is. His performance surely is inspired, but then it’s a comic book psycho. Surely there is more room for over the top psychosis. But somehow the repetitive “do you want to know how I got this scar?” seems more needy, funny, pathetic even, than scary. Jack Nicholson does a better job of scary in The shining, and who can forget Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast. Even Judi Dench in Notes On A Scandal is quite chilling, without needing to cut people’s mouths open or have them blown up!
Let’s grant Heath Ledger his posthumous oscar for The Joker, even though it would be just one of those things, a media event, honoring a fine actor just because he is deceased, rather than based on a critical viewing of the performance. Let’s get to the script, long and winding, almost boring at times. The movie slows down to a snail pace right in the middle, as if to prepare the audience for the barrage of violence and visual titillation that was in store. All it did for me was show how little the script really had to offer. The script had nothing if it weren’t for a love triangle, a love triangle that exists no where in the original comic series. Let us forget that most of the characters have been distorted if not completely changed from the original series. For instance, Harvey Dent is actually married, or that his wife (Gilda) is a (unknown) vigilante who earns the nickname The Holiday.
Harvey Dent, or rather Two Face’s insane need for justice for the death of his beloved is quite out of character. Going after pawns, rather than the kingpin somehow doesn’t fit Harvey Dent’s personality.
And of course, the humanity aspect. Ah, so touching. Didn’t everyone just about suppress those tears when that big man in orange claims “I’m going to do something you should have done a ten minutes back” before (unexpectedly?) throwing the remote for the bomb into the sea. Who are we kidding here? If this is supposed to emulate real life, we all know what would have happened. The Joker would have won. And if the Joker wanted chaos as much as he claimed, he’d be a lot smarter. Why would you put all the faith of your plan in the hands of some irrational, emotional bullshit? For all his precision, the joker is just another fool, the bad guy who doesn’t have the balls to follow through on his plans. A man who doesn’t have any Plan Bs?
Let’s get to the Batman now, shall we? The Dark Knight, the upholder of justice; truth above all and all that crap. Somehow he has no pangs using a sonar system (whose plausibility is very questionable) that is a sure invasion of privacy, but to “rid the city of evil”, ah, he is too good and moral to let the joker fall! The duplicity of Batman’s nature surely indicates schizophrenia. What lengths is the batman willing to go to, to rid the city of evil? Obviously he isn’t the dark knight! He doesn’t have the cajones to do what is necessary, let the Joker die. But he has no pangs killing of those little pawns that obstruct him as he fights those minor drug deals, or weapon sales or whatever it is bad guys like Maroni do. Oh, and whatever happened to Falcone? The mob boss whose life Dr. Wayne saves.
All in all, the movie was full of plot holes, illogical, impractical and sometimes impossible stunts, suspension of all reality. Add to that characters that are very much contradictory, The Joker is precise (killing his crew for the heist) yet imprecise (killing Harvey Dent, the ships and more), Batman is the Dark Knight, having to do the “dirty deeds” that the Law cannot but unable to do what is really needed! Finally the duplicity of Gotham City; On one hand they are “sane” enough to decide not to blow each other up, yet the two “corrupt” cops were so easily persuaded to destroy two lives, an equal trade? I guess The Dark Knight is the greatest movie ever, if you can swallow all the bullshit it throws at you. But then so is Armageddon, or Total Recall, or Independence Day…
I love food. I must confess, I haven’t always loved it. Getting me to eat when I was a kid was… difficult. I hated breakfast. My mom had to force feed me scrambled eggs. I don’t like the runny whites in a sunny side up, and early in the morning, with making breakfast and lunch for her boys, I couldn’t very well expect her to make it bone dry. And she had to force feed me because she found out I wouldn’t eat lunch. I was busy running around school during the lunch breaks. I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t want to look in the mirror anymore if I did eat all that she gave me for lunch. A few more kilos certainly would hurt.
Those days changed when I went to Delhi. A boy that wouldn’t eat one handful of rice, or one chapatti, now seamlessly devoured 8-10. My mom would cook enough in the morning for lunch and dinner so she wouldn’t have to cook twice and the little devil that I am, I enjoyed making her go cook again. But in my defense, I used to help her cook and clean, or any little thing I could that she would allow me to do.
Ever since then, I have been obsessed with food. From grossly underweight to undeniably over-weight, and living in three out of 4 cultural hubs of the country meant I had the fortune and opportunities to sample “local” cuisine. And now I love food even more. I expected the romance would end as I would be forced to enter the “female domain”, but it hasn’t been so.
Hoping that my appetite for good food will remain consistent over time, I decided to make my own list of Must-eats, like the 50 Things to eat before you die list that BBC viewers created, but unlike BBC, you are not welcome to vote or append my list. I would like to think my list is a bit more global, a lot more “worldly” and definitely less prejudiced than those stinking pommy bastards that voted fish and chips numero uno. But you may comment, for the sake of free speech and bullshit.
This list isn’t a list of cuisines I have sampled. In fact, chances are, I have never eaten any of these. But then what is the fun of making a list of must eats that have already been sampled. That would limit the possibilities and make this redundant for my own personal benefit. In making this list completely new to myself, I have opened a venue onto myself of places to see and things to eat. So this is a working and constructive list, rather than an omissive list that chooses to critique dishes and recipes. In the end, my list isn’t necessarily a list of Must eats, as much as it is a cultural exploration, which provided with sufficient time and money, I wish to carry out during my time on this shithole we call planet earth. As I said, this is more of a cultural exploration, so don’t expect to see single dish names, but generally cuisines I think I will enjoy and the types of dishes named are just illustrative, and I hope not to limit myself to those when the actual opportunity arrives.
“Roof of the world” at an average elevation of 5km, Tibet. Home to the now exiled Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, home as well to the Momo and Butter Tea. Tibet’s proximity to the Indian and Chinese civilizations doesn’t say much about its cuisine, its isolated location within the lap of the Himalayan mountain ranges and its cold harsh weather promises an entirely different variety of cuisine. The momo was recommended by a friend and hopefully companion on these gastronomical expeditions. In addition to these two, the mountains find themselves to be the home of the Yak, a low-cholesterol, low-fat beef replacement. Whether as a “spicy stew” or a juicy rib-eye, I can’t bother much. It will be fun meeting the prospective future of beef!
World’s Food Fair; Honk Kong. The fusion of eastern and western cuisine, without being blasphemous (or so I presume). Ruled by the british and now part of PRC, they probably have the best expertise at attempting this sort of fusion. And where else can you get shark fin soup! Alright, lots of places, but I’m sick of Chinese cuisine and this is as close to Chinese food I will allow myself.
@ The Yung Kee Restaurant
32-40 Wellington Street, Central, Hong Kong
“The American Bison is a bovine mammal, also commonly known as the American Buffalo, or simply buffalo, something of a misnomer as it is only distantly related to either of the two "true buffalos": the Water Buffalo and the African Buffalo.” – Source Wiki
“Bison is one of the fastest growing segments of American Agriculture. The bison is very low maintenance and a very efficient grazing animal. Bison meat is much lower in fat and cholesterol than other meats but it maintains a very high protein level. Bison meat has a clear-cut advantage in our 'heart healthy' society.” – Iowa Bison Association
And it cooks faster :D. Less fat, less insulation, less heat and time needed to cook the same meat. Flipside? Overcooking is a serious danger and can leave the meat dry. But I’m not worried, I’m getting my steak cooked by a pro. Who said health food can’t be tasty?
To the land of the rising sun, to learn their art of marketing, manufacturing philosophies, and business stratagem. Who am I kidding? I’m going there for their Sashimi, Shochu, Awamori…
Japan has some amazing alcoholic beverages. I was lucky enough to have an uncle who totally hated it at first taste and wasn’t tolerant enough to give it a chance. As I said, his loss was my gain and a full bottle of sake is certainly a nice gain.
A bit of yakitori (bite-sized pieces of chicken meat, served with tare sauce, which is basically made up of mirin, sweet sake, soy sauce and sugar) with Awamori (alcoholic beverage indigenous to and unique to Okinawa, distilled) sounds good. They suggest a beer with your yakitori. But awamori sounds better. The booze actually catches fire at 120 proof.
I’m still a bit queasy at the prospect of eating raw fish, so until I can get up the courage, I’ll stick with Tataki, a variant of Sashimi that has raw Tuna/Beef seared on the outside. Served with spring onions, ginger and garlic paste. Is it blasphemous to have wasabi with this, will surely make for an eye-watering experience. Shochu sounds great to wash it down.
Mother Russia how are you sleeping Middle winter cold winds blow From the trees the snowflakes drifting Swirling round like ghosts in the snow
Mother Russia poetry majestic Tells the time of a great empire Turning round the old man ponders Reminiscing an age gone by
Mother Russia Dance of the czars Hold up your heads Be proud of what you are
This is the last one of the first installment. I can’t stand it anymore!!! The more I read about the stuff I want to eat (eventually!!!) the more I WANT to eat it, NOW!
Botvin`ya (typical cold Russian soups, that almost went extinct because it is very hard to make)
A full botvin'ya consists of three parts: 1. The soup. 2. Boiled "red" (most prized) fish (salmon, sturgeon, or stellate sturgeon), that is served separately from soup. 3. Crushed ice, served on a separate platter or cup.
It is eaten as first course or right after a hot soup, before the second course as an appetizer. You have to eat it with two spoons and a fork: the fork is used to take the fish, the first spoon to sip the soup and the second spoon to put ice into the soup, so it stays cold for a long time. Botvin'ya is eaten with fresh rye bread.
Veal Orloff (braised loin of veal, thinly sliced, filled with a thin layer of pureed mushrooms and onions between each slice, and stacked back. It is then topped with bechamel sauce and cheese and browned in the oven.)
Kvass (fermented mildly alcoholic beverage made from black or rye bread, alcohol content is so low, 1-1.5%, often flavored with fruits or herbs such as strawberries or mint.)
Meat Solyanka (ingredients like beef, ham, chicken breasts, and cabbage, together with salty mushrooms, cucumber pickles, tomatoes, onions, olives, capers, allspice, parsley, and dill are all cut fine and mingled with cream in a pot. The broth is added, and all shortly heated in the stove, without boiling.)
Okroshka (cold soup, mix of mostly raw vegetables (like cucumbers, spring onion, radish), boiled potatoes, eggs, ham with the beverage kvass.) Shashlik (a form of Shish kebab, generally beef, pork, or lamb) Pelmeni (usually made with minced meat filling, wrapped in thin dough (made out of flour and eggs, sometimes with milk or water added). Often various spices, such as pepper and onions are mixed into the filling. Pelmeni are eaten by boiling in water until they float, and then 2-5 minutes more. The resulting dish is served with butter and/or sour cream.
I can’t say for sure if they are. Most of the people I meet seem to have some semblance of intelligence and are capable of holding their own in a debate. However, having said that, some extremely eminent scholars (most of them either Americans or Europeans) seem to believe, with sufficient reason, that the “allegations” are not baseless or pointless.
1. Richard Dawkins
Richard Dawkins, evolutionary biologist and ethologist, born March 26th, 1941 in Nairobi, Kenya (a place that holds fond memories for me, personally), holds the Charles Simonyi Chair for the Public Understanding Of Science at Oxford University. A champion of the modern atheist movement, he has managed to acquire the epithet, “Darwin’s Rottweiler”.
Richard Dawkins is the author of nine books (among a multitude of essays), some of which include The Selfish Gene (1976), The Blind Watchmaker (1986) and his most recent, The God Delusion (2006).
Richard Dawkins in his documentary “The Root of All Evil?” claims that over 40% of the American population believes in creationism and is averse to the idea of evolution. I have been unable to find the exact resources to prove those numbers (though I am sure I will find something on Dawkins’ site), it is interesting to note that in 1999, The Kansas State Board of Education deleted evolution from its science standards. There are American web-sites claiming that man and dinosaurs co-existed. Some of these sites claim dinosaur sightings.
2. Scott Ritter
Scott Ritter is famous for his stint as chief weapons inspector in Iraq from 1991-’98 and also for his open statements denying Iraq’s WMD’s even prior to an Iraq attack. He is well known for his stand on the Iraq war as well as the US policy on Iran.
Scott Ritter has also served in the US military and Intelligence divisions and is now highly vocal on his views over Iran and a possible attack and is not only against attacking them (or N. Korea for that matter) but has stated more than once that both N. Korea and Iran are well within their legal rights to pursue their nuclear interests and places the blame squarely on the Clinton and following Bush administrations for the political unrest in the middle east and around the world. He has also stated that the US government is solely responsible for the mercury rising in the Middle East in spite of the Ayatollah’s (Supreme Leader of Iran) bids for peace and diplomatic discussion.
Scott Ritter believes that the American public is ignorant as to the ground realities in the Middle East and the regime-changing foreign policy of the US government. He further believes that the American public can be easily made to jump onto the Iran bashing band wagon (like Iraq before) by the media propaganda and chest beating uber-patriotic speeches as against their dissuasion against a possible attach by virtue of a more rational voice of reason
3. Youtube
Youtube.com certainly has its own set of people that think Americans are dumb. Loads of videos suggesting the same have been found around the web. Now, it might be highly possible that these are just exaggerations, or perhaps even staged events (though I don’t know who the above mentioned uber-patriotic person would be willing to stage something like this), but all of it is really amusing nonetheless. This one probably doesn’t hold as much weight as the first two, but I am sure people will spend more time on this one than reading or researching on the first two. And that is because… people are stupid. Perhaps I should add a people=stupid tag on my sidebar too.
4. Creationism
Now these videos aren’t necessarily indicative of American stupidity, but rather religious bigotry. I humbly accept. However in a country where a majority of its people believe in the very same religion and practice the same bigotry, it can’t be shielded away from looking stupid. And if you care to watch the next video, you will notice it is a New Zealander questioning the “stupid” viewpoints of the clergy.
5. George Carlin
The 70 year old stand-up comedian is known for his critique of the US foreign policy, and often of religion. Carlin, in many of his stand-up routines, has poked fun at the “dumb” American.
I think Carlin’s humor is sufficient enough that I don’t need to elaborate anymore.
6. George Bush
This man needs no introduction. Most of you’ll are already thinking a) How does dubya being stupid make the rest of America stupid? and b) When did dubya call the american people dumb?
He didn’t call the American people dumb (AFAIK) and is probably quite intelligent (perhaps not articulate and has some learning disorders), to be as successful as he is. Perhaps it is all due to his father’s power and fame, but then I have heard before that he too was “stupid”, perhaps to a lesser degree.
As for how him being “stupid” making the American people stupid, that’s not it. The fact that he has been re-elected makes them stupid. The fact that he has them believing that they are fighting a war on terror (rather than a war of terror, in the words of Borat), that they give a damn about democracy or people’s rights around the world. If anyone believes that these wars (I would as easily call them acts of terrorism, as any other) are for the good of anyone other than the United States (and just a select few at that), then this is certainly a good indicator of how much Americans think (rather than the lack of brains).
7. Borat
George walker was going to be the last entry in that list, until I quoted Borat’s speech. That movie certainly had the rest of the world believing that the Americans are really dumb and think they are know-it-alls.
In conclusion, do I think now, that Americans are dumb? Probably not. Actually, I am pretty sure they are not. If anything, they are ignorant and some Americans think they have the right to be.
"Respect can only be gauged when you are no longer feared."
- The Depressed Doormat (25th May, 2009) (AFAIK)
"Religion is as necessary and comforting as shoving a pine cone up your ass."
- The Depressed Doormat (16th July, 2009) (AFAIK)
"A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist."
- Sir Humphrey Appleby from Yes, Minister
"Everybody's an atheist about most of the gods in human history. We just take it one god further"
"If you believe in a 900 year old man, who knows what you can believe?"
- Bill Maher
"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
- Aldous Huxley
"The Britishers referred to Mahatma Gandhi as `Mr Gandhi'. Why should we call her `Mother'?"
- Giriraj Kishore
"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."
- Malcolm X
"To enjoy the things we ought, and to hate the things we ought, has the greatest bearing on excellence of character."
- Aristotle
"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs."
- John Osborne
"Women seek equality of outcome rather than equality of opportunity."
- Unknown
"Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but they detest at leisure."
- Lord Byron
"An empty belly is the best cook."
- Estonian Proverb
"Eating food with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter."
- Shah of Iran
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation."
- Herman Melville
