Pissing In The Wind

Holy Coca Co(w)la. The Colas are doomed!

India is the land of useless regulation. We are world leaders in double standards and NO standards. A blog I visit, recently had a post about how Indian products make unsubstantiated claims, which in first world countries would be unacceptable. But in the land of hindutva¹, hypocrisy and lack of regulation make a perfect couple and no valentine's day for them either.

So what is the connection between colas and Indian hypocrisy? Not the pesticide thing… I really don't care about that. So if the pesticide scandal and the prospect of impending fatality are not big enough to bring a multinational corporation down, then what is? Piss. Yes, urine, and not just any urine, the blessed and holy piddle emanating from the saviors of the world, beef. This wee-wee is being branded by none other than the saviors of bharat mata, the RSS. As if the great Indian rope trick, images of free roaming elephants and dung laden streets weren't bad enough for urban India, now this.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are "doctors" and "scientists" that claim "research" on cow urine therapy has been performed to demonstrate its effectiveness.

"Our Aim is...

Our main aim and objective is to prevent and cure most of the diseases by applying a totally natural and highly effective new concept. We will be pround if we will be able to give some Relief to this world. We are trying to follow the path of serving humanity shown by God. We are trying to make this therapy much more simple and feasible."

In the face of this fundamentalist ignorance, I quote the words of my Goan brothers², "Aamcha Feni aamka jai, tujha mut tu pee" (roughly translated: "We want our feni, you drink your piss").

But before I end this post, I have a few questions. Will golden showers stop being a fetish in India and be part of the rejuvenation regiment? I guess you don't have to worry about taking a whiz in a pool anymore.

1. Hindutva isn't the only one I think is guilty of this hypocrisy, for the record.

2. I have never found any record of anyone having said this. As far as I know, the only person that has ever used this phrase is my uncle, Vijay Bijur. Therefore I attribute this to him.

His "story" goes like this. The slogan was raised by the goans during the prohibition era of Morarji Desai, who claimed that the reason of his good health was that he drank his own piss. As far as I know, this is a fabrication of his brilliant mind.

Where Is That Damn Pencil?

I realized something today. There is never a pencil around when you need one, or a pen! For that matter, there is never anything sharp around when you want it.

Have you ever been forced to be within a closed room (or public transport) with a bunch of WHITE, early teen, high school, Legally Blonde wannabes? Let me tell you, it is "like" worse than getting hit by a bus… and living through it. It is worse than having your head shoved into your butt, worse than getting your head shaved… with a pair of tweezers. It is worse than pulling out your finger nails straight out. It is worse than having a raving, religious lunatic preach about god and the bible, about good and evil, about vice and virtue, about damnation and salvation. Wait, that last one isn’t true. I would know. And there you have it, another moment I wished I had a pencil.

                             Image by Fernando Graphicos

Pradhan Mantri Mayawati

Yes, India is a technical superpower. We are The IT nation. Our IT services are so brilliant that American companies outsource these jobs in spite of the negative publicity it generates. So wonderful are they that they are a 6 billion dollar industry, contributing to over 7 percent of our GDP and 35% of our exports.

Apparently there aren’t any BSP supporters who can code. No, they can’t hire our wonderful IT professionals and programmers to build themselves a functioning website. Wait a minute, dalits can’t read, can they? That must be it; they are so impoverished and illiterate that a website would serve no purpose!

Poochie Poo

Yet another four-legged-menace-to-society invites my loathing.

Dogs, cats and pretty much any other two, four, six or eight legged creature brings about pretty much the same feeling of annoyance as does an ill-mannered baby. They all have one thing in common though. They don’t know where the fuck to excrete. They purge themselves anywhere they deem fit. Thankfully, I don’t own one of those little rascals, the animal kind or the human kind and hence I am saved of the everyday battle with feces, puke and urinal discharge.

But that doesn’t save me from those mongrels roaming the streets. “Oh he doesn’t bite!” What good natured people, reassuring me and alleviating my fears. That is, until their damn mutt takes a nice piece of me. And then am I allowed to retaliate? An eye for an eye?

You might say that it is a rare occurrence. True. But one thing that isn’t rare is those damn stupid pooches sniffing my genitals. It’s the most annoying feeling… having to stop in your tracks to be “searched” by a Britney spears think-alike. I guess there is no true revenge as long as dog lovers exist. Or is there? I am considering chemical warfare.


This was a rant I had typed out on "one of those days"; dog poop all over the place (yes, in Chicago) and an over-enthusiastic doggy and its barking-sniffing extravaganza. But that was then, and though I didn't post it, it seems ironically funny to me and hence I made the decision to post it.

Wicked Progeny

Kids, concrete proof that humans love misery. Why we still reproduce those bundles of joy is still a mystery. If there is a god, and this is all by design, why the fuck didn’t god make kids realize THEY ARE NOT FUCKING CUTE. If you think your kid puking on me, pulling my beard or just being a fucking nuisance in a public place is cute, kindly do not reproduce. If you still feel like doing so, keep your annoying nincompoops away from me, lest they think I shall find their antics as cute as their mind-numbing parents. You might think I deserve being annoyed for thinking of kids that way of those powerless little visions of god, think again. It might not be as much fun when your 3 and a half foot spawn, for me, begins to personify a giant football.

Keep your fucking kids on their leash, and if you can’t or find it inhuman, its time you consider permanent birth control.

No News Is Good News

This is a post I had made on Contradiction Reflected. Just thought I'd place it here too.

It has been at least, 2 years since I have opened up a news papers or hit the enter button on our very own Indian news sites. Two years and nothing has changed. Indian “NEWS” (even today analogous to tabloids and poor quality playboy versions) is as sensation driven as it was 2 years ago and is yet to mature. If I may say so, it seems to be getting worse. The Indian public is still being brain-washed with bad news, sensational events, and Idol Worship, even in a country graced by great thinkers like Swami Dayanand Saraswati.

My return to the Indian news reading population ended up being temporary. I have been driven away again from those over-crowded, mind numbing web sites that post the Indian news in digital format.

Articles like the ones I am going to pin-point are the ones that make me want to hurl my chicken dinner and any person that takes himself seriously should have the same feeling everytime he visits rediff.com, indiatimes.com or picks up a print edition of The Times of India.

Yana Gupta: Behind the hourglass figure!

This one is from indiatimes.com. I too, from time to time, enjoy being titillated by semi-naked or even naked women flaunting those medical marvels, those countless plastic surgeries, lakhs of rupees spent at dental clinics etc. But that being said, newspapers should be separate from Playboy pretends.

No reply from Sachin, Yuvraj yet: BCCI

This one should be re-titled “Indian cricketers at their Best”. Bitching after yet another dismal performance, playing the blame game like their politician mentors at BCCI. The coach getting blamed because of the players’ lack of ability in a country they know hero-worships them.

Emraan’s latest on screen lip-lock!

And they say Indians are getting more broadminded everyday. I doubt it. When every “on screen lip-lock” is being hailed like the 10th avatar of Vishnu, you know we are far from being broad minded and are looking to sensationalise our movies as well as our newspapers.

Quoting from the article:
“Talking of her debut kiss on-screen, she says, “I was very nervous during the first kissing scene, but the director made it look so easy that it didn’t take much effort.” Is she trying to say Emraan’s an amazing kisser? Say it gal…you aren’t the first one to feel that way…”

This is obviously a great piece of journalism from someone that will find himself amidst the ranks of John Hersey or the more famous duo of Woodward and Bernstein very soon. Not that I want to comment about his style of writing, but more so on his IQ and his standing at a major newspaper, even if it is in the tabloid sections. The “gal” says the DIRECTOR made the kiss look easy, not Emraan, who is the actor (I suppose, or has the casting couch become public now, like reality television). Anyway, that aside, can’t the director-duo (two brains are better than one?) come up with more than a one-word movie title that their 2nd standard going children came up with?

Arun Nayar in hiding?

This one takes the cake. Arun Nayar, the name sounds familiar. Oh yeah! He is the rich guy whose claim to fame was that he banged Liz Hurley. And he is still in the news ‘cause he doesn’t want to talk to daddy dearest? Leave the man alone. I think all this negative press coverage is giving him a hard time getting it hard.

Trump tops 'Unsexiest men' list

While he makes it onto these unsexiest men lists, he is reading a real newspaper that makes him richer by the second, which in turn lands him some hot punani falling at his feet for a chance to clean his waterworks. At the same time, the people that came up with this list, and he who covered it for India Times, are stuck in a dingy office smaller than Trumps golf cart.

In more News: at TOI and rediff.com

I did it in heat of the moment: Tendulkar
Indian team jersey sells at half price
It hurts when coach questions our attitude: Sachin

Heat of the moment my ass. It wasn’t like it there was a debate between mr ten-run-kar and chappell. He had the time to think things over and I do not think an apology is sufficient.

Indian team jerseys are still selling? I thought the public would be stoning anyone wearing that artifact. On a slightly different note, the pakis called the Indian dressing room to thank them profusely over india’s departure from the WC. They now know that they will not be stoned to death as Pakistani fans are doubling with laughter after Indian press and fans did the same, although prematurely.

As for Mr ten-run-kar’s attitude, I think chappell got it wrong there. He has too much of it and all the wrong kinds. But then, in a country that will support him no matter what, even if he rapes and kills half our population, it is hard to find fault with his feeling of being indispensable.

Ambedkar memorial sparks controversy

Again? Must this happen every year? Waiting for a time machine to go blow this guys brains out for destroying almost single handedly, what could have been a great nation.



Abhi-Ash wedding: Guest list
Photo: Is this Ash-Abhishek's new home?
Sanju: I wish Ash-Abhi make me a chacha soon

Fuck. What is this country coming to? Note to self: In the event that above said time machine does get built, take out the BIG B and his oh-so-annoying wife, mother-in-law exclaiming with her pasted smile, of a manufactured wedding, about her alleged love for ash even before the announced nuptial.

You might say I have only targeted the bad news in the newspaper. I might have, but even then, this is alarmingly huge amount of news from two newspapers and obviously, over-lapping articles haven’t been pasted twice. This however is the only news that should be on that site. And I doubt THAT is the only news in a country of far over 1 billion people. Cricket, movies and celeb weddings can’t be the end of the world.


Polling peaceful, 46 percent turnout

It was also heartening to read about a calm election. Someone seems to be working hard to maintain peace, and keep the vote bandits at bay.

Woman slices hubby's nose

Where are the female activists? Sarcasm aside, I don’t think what this woman did is punishable. In fact I can justify it without feeling even a bit hypocritical about the whole thing. While the murder should be tried, the fact that she was driven to it by an abusive husband must hold some water right? And isn’t it a wake up call for the moronic public to stop listening to bullshit activists and begin using their brains and make sure that the real women that need upliftment get it? But in a country with a reservation mentality, I am looking forward (rubbing hands gleefully) to many more homicidal acts of revenge. Perhaps someday Rabri will do it to pyaare Lalooji and that will act like our 9/11.

One cornea gives vision to three patients
Probably the most important news article of the day. I wonder if it was even covered by any of the news channels or print media. If it hasn’t it is a disgrace and there is no wonder as to why the brain drain still occurs.

Case registered against Narayana Murthy for remarks

This article was just personally gratifying. I wonder what the punishment for the offence is and I hope it is most severe. I also hope, that in addition, they staple potty mouth.