Monday, August 25, 2008

Just Another Day...

Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Independence Day, New Years Eve; I don’t attach too much stock to any of these. After all, they do come every year! And there is a reason for that. It’s called a calendar. The same goes for birthdays. So when people ask me what I have planned on my birthday, I usually give them an uncomfortable “I-don’t-know”. Uncomfortable, because I know they expect something generic; for instance, going out with my buddies to get drunk so I can’t distinguish vodka from grape juice.

I don’t need my birthday for that. Heck, I got drunk on some random day, at a party. Let’s call that my birthday and New Years Eve all rolled into one. Wait, it was New Years eve! But the point is birthdays are irrelevant. They were created by us, and I still don’t get the reason! Sure, it indicates we are getting older. But I’m older today than I was yesterday. Yay! Let’s go celebrate with some ice cream. Wait… I just did that.

Here is how birthday’s and New Years Eve are similar. It’s almost expected for people to look at the past year of their lives and introspect, relive good times and take notes on where to improve, which brings us to resolutions. After all life is a lesson right? And then there is of course dreaded milestones, be it quarter-life crises or Y2K.

Well this year I did just that, looked back on the year gone by. It has been a wonderful year, filled with so many lessons, and heart-warming experiences, some gastric delights, and some plain silly stuff. So here are the 10 most memorable moments that transpired during year 24 of my life.

  1. In the spirit of the Olympics, let’s start with this one.

October 8, 2007 - Track and field star Marion Jones surrenders her five Olympic medals she won in the 2000 Sydney Games after admitting to doping.

Marion Jones got screwed. She surrendered her fucking medals; they should have taken away. She lost 5 Olympic medals and about fucking time. The only lesson to learn from this experience is; DON’T GET CAUGHT. Indian weightlifters are dumb. They get caught. Had they not gotten caught we’d have medals lined up on our walls too! So cut them some slack. When they ask you to pee in a cup next time, oblige. Don’t ask questions. It’s all in the Olympic spirit. But what takes the Birthday cake is the fact that the bitch was banned for 2 years. OH fucking really!! Is she planning on taking part in the senior citizens Olympics?

2. December 20, 2007 - A group of activist Lakota Indians send a letter to the United States State Department declaring their secession from the Union as the Republic of Lakotah.

This one is amazing. Mount Rushmore might end up in another country! If RoL succeeds; do they bring down Mount Rushmore the way the Americans brought down Saddam’s statue? I can’t wait.

3. November 5, 2007 - The Writers Guild of America goes on a strike that lasts until February 12, 2008.

For 3 months, no TV, no news. That’s not a lot of fun. Where would we get our news if it wasn’t for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report? To put things into perspective, I watched 27 Dresses. Yep, that’s how much the writer’s strike affected me.

4. April 22 - Surgeons at London's Moorfields Eye Hospital perform the first operations using bionic eyes, implanting them into two blind patients.

Robocop! Awesome! But in all seriousness, I’m glad scientists are figuring out how to stick it to the retarded religious creeps. Screw god’s mysterious ways. No wonder they don’t like stem cell research and genetic research. That’s probably all the proof any rational person needs… that THERE IS NO GOD!

5. November 1 - London's Metropolitan Police Service is found guilty of endangering the public following the fatal shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, an innocent Brazilian whom officers mistook for a suicide bomber.

How do you mistake someone for a suicide bomber? This is a suicide bomber!

This however, is not

6. August 30 - 2007 United States Air Force nuclear weapons incident in which a B-52 flew from Minot AFB , ND to Barksdale AFB, LA carrying six nuclear warheads.

Whoops! Nuclear war anybody? Come on, it might be fun. In fact, it might be more fun than dying the slow death that we will eventually see.

7. September 6 - "Operation Orchard": an Israeli airstrike occurred against a suspected nuclear site in Syria

Oh… I didn’t realize that it was enough to blow another country up if you suspect them. That changes everything. Now all Russia needs to do is say they suspected Georgia of the same. Go Russia!

8. July 15–20 - World Youth Day takes place in Sydney, Australia. Pope Benedict XVI appears at the event.

Holy sodomy! I nearly had milk coming out of my nose when I read this. The pope with kids… do I need to paint a picture?

9. November 16 - Over 3,000 people are believed to have died after Cyclone Sidr hits Bangladesh, with the death toll expected to rise.

December 20 - An earthquake of magnitude 6.6 ML hits the east coast of the North Island of New Zealand, causing one death and significant damage in the town of Gisborne.

October 20 – November 9 - Wildfires in Southern California result in the evacuation of more than 1,000,000 people and destroying over 1,600 homes and businesses.

September 19 - Typhoon Wipha hits Fuding, China. Authorities had evacuated over two million people prior to the storm's landfall.

September 4 - Northeast Nicaragua takes a direct hit from Hurricane Felix. The hurricane was a strong Category 5 storm when it reached the coast.

August 25 - Greek Prime Minister Kostas Karamanlis declares a national state of emergency after a series of devastating wildfires ravage western Peloponese and southern Euboea, killing 68 people.

August 18 - Typhoon Sepat makes landfall in eastern Taiwan.

August 18 - The remnants of Tropical Storm Erin re-strengthen into a tropical storm over Oklahoma, causing widespread flooding and wind damage.

August 21 - Hurricane Dean, a powerful Category 5 storm, slams into a largely evacuated Yucatán Peninsula of Mexico.

February 5–6 - A tornado outbreak, the deadliest in 23 years, kills 58 in the Southern United States.

March 25 - A 160-square-mile (414 km2) chunk of Antarctica's Wilkins Ice Shelf disintegrates, leaving the entire shelf at risk.

August 15 - An 8.0 earthquake strikes Peru, killing 512 people, injuring more than 1,500, and causing tsunami warnings in the Pacific Ocean.

January 25 - China's worst snowstorm since 1954 kills 133, delays traffic, and causes massive power outages in central and southern parts of the country.

May 3 - Over 133,000 in Burma/Myanmar are killed by Cyclone Nargis, the deadliest natural disaster since the Boxing Day Tsunami in 2004.

May 12 - Over 69,000 are killed in central China by an earthquake measuring 8.0Mw. The epicenter is 90 kilometers (55 miles) west-northwest of Chengdu.

June 14 - A 6.9 magnitude earthquake in Iwate Prefecture, Japan, kills 12 and injures more than 400.

June 22 - Typhoon Fengshen hits the Philippines and capsizes the ferry MV Princess of the Stars, leaving hundreds dead or missing.

Source: The International Emergency Disasters Database

Climate change? Nah, that’s just the biggest hoax perpetuated on the American people. All these disasters were just staged. Come on, you can’t really believe these incidents are true, can you? The only events that we can be SURE about are when there is NO ONE else around but a chosen few, like the passing down of the ten commandments on a mountain, or the first men walking on the moon. Nah, these are truly staged. After all, climate change has no evidence, but we did see the moon landing on TV!

10. December 25 - An escaped tiger at the San Francisco Zoo kills one person and injures two others.

That gastric delight I was talking about, mmm. I never said it was something I would eat (maybe I would)! And before anyone decides to jump down my throat, hear me out. It’s about fucking time those tigers eat some of those pesky little runts. First you take those tigers out of their habitat, then you put them in a little cage that is smaller than the one you have your newborns in, and then your little angels think it’s smart to tease, and agitate the animal by throwing their peanuts or rattling their cages. You know why kids today are dumb? It isn’t our education systems! It’s the fact that we don’t let natural selection take its course. What happened was natural selection at its best, 1 dumbass down, 6.5+ billion to go.

Incidents like these almost make me hope climate change fucks us up and spirals us into extinction.

(2 months ago) (in reply to this)


God gave man dominion over the animals. Peple need to carry weapons, legally of course. I'm a peace officer and carry an off duty weapon, had I been there, the tiger would have been shot upon reaching the outer gate.

An armed citizen is a safer citizen;)

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